I talked about commitment and perseverance a little bit yesterday. These two things have played heavy on my mind the last few weeks. I personally have struggled all my life at being committed to one thing, be it a job, a relationship, or philosophy. I admire people that can dedicate themselves to these things. I feel satisfaction that I committed myself to the upbringing of my daughter, she has turned out to be a well adjusted young lady. I had lots of help, wasn’t perfect, but I persevered when things seemed overwhelming. She was the one thing I couldn’t easily let go of, when she came into the world all other things didn’t seem as important, I still had the desires but they weren’t as intense, with that said when she went off to college, my desire to do what I had a passion for came back intensely.
I struggled with thoughts and commitment of one career over another, I wanted to make money, have a comfortable life, but what was really hard for me to “square” in my mind was that I had to compromise myself as a person. With this comfort, I had to give up some of the hopes and dreams I had , I wanted to go out and explore and report what I have seen. That is why I think I felt so discontented for such a long time, I focused on my daughters well being, making sure she didn’t miss out on things I missed out on. I dreamed of being a leader of people, of having a well respected job in a well respected industry. I wanted a beautiful home and family, I think most people want these things. The problem I faced was I never knew what I wanted to commit my life too, or what I felt my purpose was. When my father asked me last summer, “What would you do right now if you could do anything?” I knew and I answered honestly and forthrightly. I didn’t think about what it all meant or how I would be perceived.
After I answered, I immediately thought how child like my answer was, baseball, traveling and writing. People would think I was crazy, immature or trying to run away from my responsibilities. It also occurred to me that maybe, I was the one that was saying these things about me, fearful that I would actually do such a foolish thing. It was a huge commitment, but exciting, I craved excitement, do something not many have done. I pondered and thought about this idea for a few months, bringing it up to friends and co workers. I got the idea on paper, got help from a friend to write it up, showed it to my family. I was surprised by their responses and encouragement, the stars were aligning, I was going to do this, I never doubted that I couldn’t do it, I would persevere when it got tough.
I never had something happen so easily in my life, I learned by doing, the more I wrote and traveled the easier it has become, the people around the game easy to spot. It is now coming to the end, worry has crept in, money is running low, I have committed to writing a book. I can’t go back to who I was, I am no longer that person. I am a writer, a person passionate about the people around the game of baseball but also a person of this world, if this wasn’t just an escape then I will have to commit myself to writing and the people around the game. Is this a silly thing to commit too? I have friends committed to much bigger things, the planet, the poor, how do I combine my passion to all of that?
Commitment and perseverance, things I have lacked, I want the comfort of what money can buy, a nice apartment, bed, etc… But I have been given much happiness through this game and what I have gotten to do, it would be foolish not to continue. I have ideas, if it is meant to be, the money will come, the stars will continue to align. I am in Cincinnati, I will be attending my 240th baseball game tonight, the Reds are playing the Brewers. The game doesn’t mean much, both are out of the playoff race for the most part, but I will sit and watch, maybe walk around and just enjoy the energy, I will contemplate ideas for how to write the book! This has been a journey of enlightenment…